LAST week's meeting began on a distinctly surreal note with Jabba Riaz's Table Topics session on the theme of unlikely extreme sports.

Members were asked to talk off the cuff on subjects as unlikely as wife-carrying, toe wrestling, tiddlywinks and ferrets-in-the-trousers. But it was a newcomer, Joanne James (who is definitely free of facial hair!) whose imaginative contribution on moustache growing was voted the best short speech.

Toastmaster for the main speech session was one of the club's upwardly mobile members John Day, winner of Best Speech at the preceding meeting. Jackie Preuss gave an disturbing account of the world's disappearing rhino population, including the depressing fact that there are now technically no rhinos left in the wild, i.e. not protected in some way by man. She felt that only education could save them, by persuading those who believe in its therapeutic and aphrodisiac qualities that eating rhino horn was of no more benefit that chewing one's own nails.

A rare double was achieved by Colin Jackson, who not only spoke for exactly twice the allotted time, but also (perhaps not surprisingly) was awarded the Um Pig for the greatest number of ums, ers, and multiple other imperfections in his speech. Despite this, however, his account of a 60-day voyage to Australia in 1955 on a tramp ship in charge of 22 pedigree cattle so intrigued the audience that it was also voted the night's best speech.

In another traveller's tale, Steve Birch described in his usual upbeat style a yachting trip to Croatia at the height of the Balkan wars. Completely um-free and professionally delivered to time, it might well have take the top award but for a too-detailed and realistic account of manually cleaning out the boat's broken-down toilet! Hazel Robinson's appraisal of this speech won the night's Best Evaluator shield.

Next meeting will be at the usual venue of the Great Malvern Hotel at 7.15pm on Tuesday, August 25. Guests are always welcome.

COLIN JACKSON